Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I am midnight drunk by noon
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
only you would photoshop your dick
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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