The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We left an ass print on the piano.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
