Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
