My friends, they love my intelligence
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
