Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
