Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
