your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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