If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
