Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize