3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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