I think I won the penis lottery.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
not ubering you a puppy
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
