I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How external is "for external use only"?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
