The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
