One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
