Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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