I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
this hospital has no fireball
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
