She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
