I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
