so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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