He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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