I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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