Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Randomize
