Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
