is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
