Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
