i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
