I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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