Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
my poor anus
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
