I hope mine doesn't look like that
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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