I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
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In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
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Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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