My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
