well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Apparently you make a good broom.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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