I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
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I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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