im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
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just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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