Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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