My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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