toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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