Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
