I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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