the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
