All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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