Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
