When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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