my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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