On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
