The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
