someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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