So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
