saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
