I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
