I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
