I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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