my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
