my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
