he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
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Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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