There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
