He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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